Basic Rules to be a Blues Musician
BLUES RULES:
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.I got a good woman,With the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.Got a good womanWith the meanest dog in town.He got teeth like Margaret ThatcherAnd he weighs 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St.Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:a. violetb. beigec. mauved. taupe
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.
10A. Good places for the Blues:a. the highwayb. the jailhousec. an empty bed
10B. Bad places:a. Ashramsb. Gallery openingsc. Weekend in the Hamptonsd. Trump Plaza
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12A. Yes, if:a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgiab. you're blindc. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)d. your woman can't be satisfied.
12B. No, if:a. you were once blind but now can see.b. you have a trust fund.c. you hold elected office.d. your woman CAN be satisfied.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.Other blues beverages are:a. cheap wineb. Irish whiskeyc. muddy water
14B. Blues beverages are NOT:a. Any mixed drinkb. Any wine Kosher for Passoverc. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.Other blues ways to die include:a. the electric chairb. substance abusec. being denied treatment in an emergency room.It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16A. Some Blues names for Womena. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessie
16B. Some Blues Names for Mena. Joeb. Williec. Little Willied. LightningPersons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya.
[Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS!
